I turned in an application today. It's for what called a 'universal worker', at the local nursing home. I was going to try for that job, which is only 3 hours a day, until the CNA program opened up, which was supposed to be in April. Now they say it might not be until June.
I am terrified. We have until Friday to have either $400 in rent, or a job (and that's only if she'll work with us), and I'm am scared shitless that we won't make it.
And i blame myself. I had the time to find work, but I let my anxiety and depression control my actions. I could have gotten Josh off his ass to do the same, but because i wasn't making any effort, I felt it was wrong to demand it of him. And I feel as though I could do so much better...Not in my relationship, Josh is my life''s love...but in life in general. If I could just apply myself, if I could just get a small chance from someone who could help me, I could so so much more...
This is eating me alive almost. It was all I could do just to make myself heat up a plate of food, and now it sits beside me because I don't feel like eating. My only passion, the only things that make me smile and feel good is my yarn, and play fighting with my love. And I'm worried that those two small pleasures will be taken from me by circumstance, and my own lack of responsibility.
We've been homeless before, we know how to survive, but knowing how to, and being able to, are two very different things. I'm afraid this will tear us apart, I'm afraid that my own joy will be taken permanently, as it's come close to many times in my short life. I always thought I was strong, but that was when I had nothing to be taken away from me. Now that I am on the brink of losing the small bit I have, it hurts a lot worse, and I feel weaker than ever.
I have few friends in real life, and the friends I have online I cherish. They have been a wellspring of support, encouragement and laughter. But they have already done so much, I cannot ask for more without being able to give back to them. I have nothing of worth, I have no great talents, no sparkling personality that brightens a room. I feel worthless, and alone, because of my own inability to act as I should. And it's killing me.
To those that read this, and care, this is not me giving up. I was born in October, my birthstone is the opal, which means hope.. And hope is the one thing I cling to more than anything else. I feel a little better, with my emotions and burdens out in the open, looking at them clearly. That's always helped me make the next step, and I hope it does now.
I just need a little strength. May the Mother give it to me.....