Tuesday, March 29, 2011


I turned in an application today. It's for what called a 'universal worker', at the local nursing home. I was going to try for that job, which is only 3 hours a day, until the CNA program opened up, which was supposed to be in April. Now they say it might not be until June.

I am terrified. We have until Friday to have either $400 in rent, or a job (and that's only if she'll work with us), and I'm am scared shitless that we won't make it.
And i blame myself. I had the time to find work, but I let my anxiety and depression control my actions. I could have gotten Josh off his ass to do the same, but because i wasn't making any effort, I felt it was wrong to demand it of him. And I feel as though I could do so much better...Not in my relationship, Josh is my life''s love...but in life in general. If I could just apply myself, if I could just get a small chance from someone who could help me, I could so so much more...

This is eating me alive almost. It was all I could do just to make myself heat up a plate of food, and now it sits beside me because I don't feel like eating. My only passion, the only things that make me smile and feel good is my yarn, and play fighting with my love. And I'm worried that those two small pleasures will be taken from me by circumstance, and my own lack of responsibility.

We've been homeless before, we know how to survive, but knowing how to, and being able to, are two very different things. I'm afraid this will tear us apart, I'm afraid that my own joy will be taken permanently, as it's come close to many times in my short life. I always thought I was strong, but that was when I had nothing to be taken away from me. Now that I am on the brink of losing the small bit I have, it hurts a lot worse, and I feel weaker than ever.

I have few friends in real life, and the friends I have online I cherish. They have been a wellspring of support, encouragement and laughter. But they have already done so much, I cannot ask for more without being able to give back to them. I have nothing of worth, I have no great talents, no sparkling personality that brightens a room. I feel worthless, and alone, because of my own inability to act as I should. And it's killing me.

To those that read this, and care, this is not me giving up. I was born in October, my birthstone is the opal, which means hope.. And hope is the one thing I cling to more than anything else. I feel a little better, with my emotions and burdens out in the open, looking at them clearly. That's always helped me make the next step, and I hope it does now.

I just need a little strength. May the Mother give it to me.....

Monday, March 14, 2011

In a Slump....

I has a sad. I recently looked over my stash, and noticed how little I had. Silly, I know.....I really have quite a bit, but it seems that I don't have enough...I have plenty for small projects, like fingerless gloves and maybe a shawl or two. But the projects I really want to do (and design) require more yarn than I have. Such as colorwork, caplets, shrugs, skirts, so on and so forth....

And then I start feeling guilty. Almost all the yarn I have was given to me, out of the kindness of others. On top of that, there's so much bad in the world, so much I could be depressed over than my own little problems. But yet here I am, feeling sorry for myself, and stressing out over running out of yarn, and what I'm going to do when I use my yarn up. The job hunt looks bleak, and there are few options for me and Josh right now. I could go to college, but I had made plans to move back down south, to my spiritual sister. We are like wo halves of a whole, never fully complete without the other....Circumstances caused us to be much farther apart than either of us wanted...
I've been looking for grants, to help with my art, and maybe setting up an online business, but I'm making little progress, mostly because it's so hard to find information without paying someone money first. And that's a no go.
I could try giving beginners knitting and crochet lessons, but that's intimidating. I could also do dog walking, and housework for the elderly, but there's the problem of us still being outsiders, and the cost of cleaning supplies.....

Things look a bit bleak, but I'm trying to stay on top of it all. I'm trying to see the silver lining in all of this, but it's hard. I've been in deeper holes than this. I just have to keep moving forward, even if I stumble and fall....

In other news, the pattern I'm working on is progressing slowly, but I just got some more needles in the mail (prize from a scavenger hunt on Rav), so I can experiment with different gauges. I have a few other designs ideas, but am a little bogged down by the whole yarn issue.

I'm not beat yet. I just need a bit of support. I will beat this, as I have all the other times before.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011


It's been a year since I started really crocheting again. I had learned it three years ago while I was at a training facility in Mississippi, called JobCorp. A girl that I was friends with taught my soul sister how to crochet, and me being the eternal copy cat, learned from her. I bought yarn at Walmart, and a set of aluminum hooks, and began to learn.

I spent many nights curled up in the computer room of our dorm, whiling away at my yarn, wondering why I kept ending up with a curly-q instead of a straight line. I wondered and puzzled at the mystery of the "turning chain" and how exactly one was supposed to do it. I practiced stitches, and undid tangles, and ignored the drama that was going on around me as I frolicked in a world filled with the soothing feel of the metal shaft of my hook and the yarn sliding through my fingers.
No, I don't remember what the hell I was trying to make, I think it was a blanket. Alas, I moved from the dorms and Greyhound ate my luggage....So, for a while, I forgot about hooks and yarn, having no money to replace what had been lost.
Fast forward about a half a year, and we were homeless in a strange state. (Long story)I was stressed out and scared, and just plain sick of everything (I had been homeless since my parents kicked me out, another long story).
We had nowhere to go, no one to turn to. The job market for people without a permanent address was nonexistent, and I was about ready to give up. But I couldn't. Giving up was not an option. I would not give up the idea that I had some sort of purpose, not to mention that all my fiancee had was me, and I couldn't leave him like that.
So my mind turned back to the joy I had felt while crocheting, the way it had to smooth away even the most intense stress. I needed to create, and I knew a way I could. But how to get the hooks and yarn?
There were thrift stores. One of which was a free charity (yes, I know, not really a store at all...) you could come to once a month and gather all the clothes and other things that you could carry. Another had at least one day each week in which whatever you could stuff into a shopping bag was free. We could also get vouchers for the store, which worked on the same premise. I scoured them both with fervent passion, looking for hooks and yarn. Finally, I found what I was looking for. I could craft again, and I was happy. Well, as happy as one could be in a situation like that.

Fats forward again, to my discovery of Ravelry. Before my beloved Rav, I knew nothing about hook sizes, or different fibers. Blocking was a mysterious phrase I read about, but had no idea what it meant. Knitting was also a mystery. I had perused the gallery of patterns at Lion Brand, but did not know what awaited me in the fiber Mecca that is Ravelry.
I learned that acrylic can't be dyed, and there were people that could, and did, spin their own yarn. I learned that there were so many patterns and techniques that I never knew existed. I learned that you could crochet a willy warmer, and a pair of pasties. And I also learned that there were five million knitted and crocheted  items that I wanted to make RIGHT NOW OR IMMA DIE.
Around this time, I also found The Anticraft. Now, I had read the book, and was absolutely enamored. Crafts that were gothic and punk (and sometimes just plain wierd)? I could die happy. I did not know how wrong I was.....
I remembered the book, and the happies it gave me, and decided to search and see if they had a website. They did. And an ezine. Which amused and pleased me greatly. Then, I found out that they had a message board. I about broke my fiance's eardrums with my squeals of delight.
But I found more than just a wealth of knowledge and ideas, I also found people I could relate to. People who were a lot like me, but different in ways that were awesome and inspiring at the same time. I found kindness and sarcasm and humor. I also found reasons to improve my own creative drive.

I learned to knit in January, using chopsticks that I had whittled down with my knife. I picked some bright pink yarn (don't ask me why, I have no idea...) and began with a little garter stitch pouch. Then I tried a stockinette stitch pouch. Purling drove me crazy. Then it clicked, and I breezed through the rest of the pouch.
Now I was hungry for more, but with the peculiar design of the chopsticks, I didn't have much room to grow.
I bemoaned this fact to Ravelry, hoping to find a group that might have some old beat up needles they would be willing to send to me. What I found instead ws a group of people who responded with more than just encouragement, but also requests for my address. They wanted to send me yarn and needles. I was ecstatic. Even more ecstatic when box after box of not just needles, but also yarn and other goodies came to my door. I was finally able to work with more than just Red Heart (which I was rapidly running out of). I now had wool, and bamboo, cotton and merino. I was, and still am, happy.

Now I've come even further. I can cable, I can knit lace. There are still techniques that I want to learn, but my need to create has grow even more ravenous.
I am workin on my first design. No, not just a chart, but a full knitted design. Before Ravelry, I would have no idea how to do this. I have no camera, but I can ask for testers, and there's a chance that they will let me use their pictures. This is my first pattern, but I know I'll have the expertise and advice of other knitters to help guide me, and smooth out any kinks. I only have acrylic in the weight I'm knitting my prototype, but there are others that will knit with various fibers, and tell me how it went.
Not only do I get to create something all my own, I get to set it free and see what else can be done. I get to see it evolve and grow, and become something bigger than just me.

I've come a long way, and there's a long way still to go. The thought brings a smile to my face.